Week Ends

fuck this week. frustration is draining. stress is exhausting. I miss the summer. I'm looking forward to holiday break. I just wish it would come sooner.

"How to be Alone" by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient.

If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.

Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.

The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and Silverware. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after-all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.

But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.

But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.

Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

Take silence and respect it.

If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament.


Let's Do This.

Armed with nothing but number two pencils, accordion binders, sticky notes, college ruled notebooks, a clear head, and access to sparknotes -- I will slay you, Senior Year.


Life isn't as complicated...

If I let myself choose the simple answer.
If I accept the things I cannot change.
If I take the deep breath.
If I enjoy right now.

Remind me not to forget about right now.


Shakespeare vs. My Angst

Oh twelfth night. How I loath thee
with thy ol' speak and confuse'd ideas
it may sound like lillies of the moonshine
but it maketh no sense to me
And require'd thy may be
but Sparknotes alone will save me
from failing APENG

I spend so much more time whining about Twelfth Night than actually reading it. I think my subconscious thinks if I can put off reading it, I can also put off the start of school. heh heh.

I've had more bad dreams recently. And conversely, more good dreams, interspersed. I suppose I'm just dreaming a lot more.

Summer has been kind to me though, bad dreams aside. I've worked, played, and done anything and everything I could have hoped for, still with possibilities in the days remaining. I'm happier than I can claim having been all the past year. I have to stop some moments and wonder if maybe this is as good as I'll ever have it. Maybe I'm not giving enough of myself to some of the moments I'm having. 100% doesn't seem like enough. I just find myself constantly in awe of how incredible life can be to you with the right attitude. I'm so immersed and in love with the newness of life, knowledge, experience, people, personality, all the possibilities. I'm trying on optimism, for once. They say the happiest people are rarely those who know the most. If it's all in my head anyway, there's no reason I can't be the happiest person that ever lived, right?

It's something I can only take one day at a time, but I'm just soaking up the universe as much as I can, while I still can appreciate how wonderful it is to be alive and human.


The Man Your Man Could Smell Like - The Action Figure

There is no logical explanation for this feat of utter insanity. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, watch the commercials here.


Waking Up On The Wrong Side

 I had a bad dream right before waking up this morning. Here's what it got me thinking about...

Firstly, the my inner superstitious Greek couldn't help but start stressing about whether or not the dream had some significance I should notice. Maybe it was a sign? Or maybe it was just more psychological evidence that I'm crazy? I just thought myself into circles and gave up, realizing that it's all in my head either way. But none of that made me feel better. Because (and secondly), I'd awoken to a shitty mood. Would it set the stage for the entirety of my day? Was it a premonition? Am I just psychotic? Will this feeling fade or will the whole day feel awful?

Nightmares suck in the morning.


Working hours

Working from 10 am till 4 pm is so much harder than I'd imagined it would be. It's really not that much more than a school day, but something about the combination of an acclimation to my "summer schedule" (or lack thereof) with my general shortage of actual tasks to do, today at my internship was painful. I edited and uploaded new YouTube content, transcribed some customer testimonials, documented some of my progress, updated the clinics facebook, and looked up and saw I still had THREE HOURS LEFT. The rest of the time was spent trying to look productive while gradually realizing how unproductive I was truly being. Overall, not pleasant.

I sort of redeemed the day by getting some good Indian food after work. But only sort of.


I made hummus today.

       Note: the following post is coming from someone who is slightly obsessed with hummus, so I talk about it a lot (like, a lot a lot). As in, a disproportionately large amount in comparison to the actual importance of the topic of discussion. But understand, that is because hummus is the best fucking food ever. Idiot. But...if you don't care to read about hummus, this is just your official warning that is what I intend to talk about. For this entire post. 

      Hummus making is a project I've wanted to do for a while but kept getting stumped by this one ingredient it required: Tahini. Tahini is basically peanut butter made from sesame seeds instead of peanuts. (although upon sampling I found the two taste so similarly they could basically be interchangeable.) But anyway, Tahini is a staple of hummus dip, and I had literally no idea where to buy it. But because I am incredibly thrifty (and good at googling things), today I finally went out and bought some. And so commenced the hummus making.

        Now, my holy grail of hummus is the kind they sell at Trader Joes. I love hummus in general, don't get me wrong, but the Trader Joes one is basically how hummus would taste if God and every top chef on the planet joined forces to try and make the perfect bowl of it. So with that as my starting point, I researched recipes. Here's the one I actually used:
  • 1 16 oz can of chickpeas
  • liquid from can of chickpeas (added as needed)
  • 1/2 cup lemon juice
  • 4 1/2 tablespoons tahini
  • 2 cloves garlic, crushed
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • (Garnished with olive oil and paprika)
Instructions: Basically, you put everything but the chickpeas into a food processer, puree those, and then slowly add in the chickpeas and blend them till they're the texture you want. It's stupidly easy...but completely delicious.

Now, I'm gonna be straight with you here: it wasn't as good as the Trader Joes hummus. It just wasn't. Maybe it was tasting each ingredient, freshly knowing what it was that threw me off, but first it tasted too lemon-y, then too tahini-y, and then not salty enough. And I would change one thing, but still find myself dissatisfied with some other aspect of it. Granted, I am a picky hummus eater. As far as hummus at large is concerned, this recipie was pretty damn good. But next time I will a little less lemon and Tahini, a tiny bit less garlic, a lot more salt and hope for the best.

But yes, I finally made hummus, and it was awesome.


Missing the Motherland

      I've gone to Greece almost every summer since I was 3 years old. It's expensive as shit to get there, and it is a painful flight (about 24 hours of traveling), but my grandparents have lived there since the 60s, my dad grew up there and it is absolutely wonderful,  typically the most relaxing part of my entire summer. I adore it.
      But this summer, due to 'financial issues' (three cheers for vague parental excuses...), I have been informed that we are not going to Greece this summer. The effects of this change didn't hit me immediately. At first I was a little dejected but not all that concerned. I have friends, a boyfriend, an internship, concerts, San Francisco, and a ton of summer homework. I wasn't sure I'd have wanted to go had the opportunity actually presented itself anyway. But as the days went on, I'd find myself thinking about it; the smells, sounds, and people I was missing out on. I can only say it's been getting progressively worse as summer's gone on. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous the idea of not going seems. I feel like summer and this annual trip to the Mediterranean are synonymous and one can't completely exist without the other. I am legitimately torn up over this, which weirdly enough, surprises me a lot.
      But anyway, I guess the ultimate point of this particular post was to share some pictures I took there last year that I came across during one of my more recent fits of Greece Nostalgia. I guess they wont really have the same effect on other people as they do on me, but at least my obsession with this little European country will now be accompanied by some visuals. Without further ado:

Marketing Posture

This summer I've started interning for a clinic that, in essence (and to avoid the longer explanation) cures back problems by teaching its clients good, more natural, posture. My job as their intern is to help them grow an online following, by maintaining their facebook, twitter, youtube and various other accounts. It's been an interesting experience so far, but not what I had expected...at all.

The job description sounded like a very formulated commitment, but from what I've seen so far, the reality of this internship has been -- dare I say it -- unorganized. There's this general mindset at this place it seems that because I am a teenager, and thus well-versed in the language of social media sites (i b on fb errrday, yeeee XP) that I have some mystical knowledge of the internet's inner workings. Let me just clarify: Yes, I can create an account on facebook. And yes, after a month of use my site navigation will seem pretty much second nature. But by absolutely no means does this "competency" (I mean, I said 'a month') indicate that when faced with the task of getting page hits for a program aimed at middle aged women, will I have the slightest clue what the hell I'm doing. They basically gave me passwords to preexisting networking accounts, a copy of their book, and a pat on the back, calling out "own it, sister," as they walked off. Either they are severely understaffed, or completely insane, but I have been almost completely clueless as far as how to help them . I've googled everything from "how to become popular on the internet" (recommended google ads) to "how to get facebook fans" (also, google ads). (Yes, I asked them about ads, and the idea was shot down. Ah yes, no one is safe from stinginess.)

My original plan was to use primarily facebook, just because I'm already a pretty frequent user and feel the most comfortable with it. But after posting a few articles and painstakingly getting them a couple dozen more fans, I realized a program like this does not come across well solely through articles. So now my current goal is to use YouTube to post some video content and see if we can traffic an audience through that. Unfortunately my video editing knowledge is ridiculously limited, but then again, so is that everyone else in the office. I'm optimistic.

For the time being. It's an interesting, unique opportunity. But it's also a very good opportunity for a very miserable failure. Fingers crossed.

Revamping the bloggity

Hey there,

I feel like I've really been neglecting my blog lately. It's this awesome tool that I am completely under-utilizing. I walk around all high and mighty as though I'm this accomplished writer, when all I really do is journal and write essays for school. Being in journalism doesn't even help all that much because its just this never ending strangulation of creativity. There are so many rules that have to be followed to write a journalistically "good" article. Admittedly, I'm getting incredibly good at reciting those rules to reporters and finding deviations from these rules in their articles, but that is definitely not going to make me a better writer overall. My whole justification for this blogging, despite how lame it often feels, is based on the theory on expertise stating that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert. Writing is unique in that there's so much variation, and possibility inherent in it simply because it can be about anything. And I like doing it to boot. So basically, my overall point here is I'm hoping regular blogging will serve as good writing practice, and just generally a healthy outlet for self-expression for one very angsty teen... (These are the jokes. Right?)

And I mean, why not? It's the summer. Not like I've got better stuff to do.

(That's only half true... haha)

Stay tuned.


Thoughts for the day

I’m using crest white strips. Mostly for kicks. My teeth don't look that bad. I've used them before actually, though since then I’ve developed something of a tea and coffee habit, so I figure refreshing couldn’t hurt. These white strips are sort of disgusting. You have to clench your teeth to keep them from falling off. And they taste awful. Above all, they’re just sort of distracting. OH, THE NEVER ENDING QUEST FOR BEAUTY, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A GIGANTIC PAIN IN MY ASS?

I helped Maya with her pre-prom getting ready today. Fun stuff. She looked pretty gosh darned fantastic. I sort of wish I could have seen her date's face when they met up. His eyes probably just like, fell out of his face.

I was gonna hang out with some friends tonight, but decided to just stay home and chill. This week has been so stressful I feel like I need to just unwind. At home
Tomorrow I have a straight up, no bullshit, birthday party to go to. Not a teenager, “lets hang out and get fucked up and then cure our munchies with birthday cake” birthday, but instead a legit, “Balloons! Cake! Arts n’ crafts! Watch me open my presents in a pointy hat!” birthday party.

I’m excited. I love the girl. Not a huge fan of glitter glue shirt decoration though (the process is fun, but the result is…a shirt covered in dried up glitter glue. I mean, come on.) But I’ll go. I got her a present, which is big for me because for some reason I never remember to give people presents on their actual birthdays....

And that's reason #467 Why I Suck as a Person. Tune in next week when I talk about how I can suck at other things!

Like Math! And science! And cooking! And SO. MUCH. MORE.



I spent a small part of today thinking about social revolutions. Maybe I'm too immersed in it, but doesn't our generation seem a little too complacent?

Our idea of a "social movement" is 'liking' groups on facebook or changing the color of our twitter pages.
We vent below Youtube videos about how fucked up we think everything is. We don't march for what we believe in, or write letters, or actively protest anything we don't like.

We just sort of... whine.

Then again, maybe the problem is that we don't have anything worthwhile to fight for...


I guess I could have done my math homework tonight...

But I spent a bunch of time flipping through cosmo (admittedly a huge waste of time), texting (ditto), taking a "power nap", cooking (slash eating) dinner, fucking around on facebook, watching an episode of the Office (oh how I adore thee, Dwight...), and finally trying my hand at fixing this godforsaken blog.

So no, I am in no way prepared for my math test tomorrow. Did I decide I needed the break from my intensive "studying"? Yes. Do I regret it? No. (Slightly.) Would I do it again? Unfortunately yes.